A letter from Rehtaeh Parson’s father

Rehtaeh Parsons father has issued a statement about his daughter.

The 17-year old Nova Scotia teen took her own life this past weekend after allegedly being gang raped by 4 boys when she was just 15. The photos of the rape were circulated on the internet.

Her father wrote:

“There’s a wooden box in my house that holds all the memories I have of my beautiful little girl. The outfit she wore home from the hospital, a hand print in clay, art, school cards and drawings, mementoes of her life. Even a newspaper dated December 9th, 1995, the day she came into this world.

I tried to keep it all for her, to have someday when she grew up and had her own family. That day will never come.

“Rehtaeh died April 7th at 11:15 PM. She was 17 years old.

She died struggling to live, much as she spent the last 18 months […]

Why was this treated like a minor incident of bullying rather than a rape? Isn’t the production and distribution of child porn a crime in this country? Numerous people were emailed that photo. The police have that information (or at least they told us they did). When someone claims they were raped is it normal to wait months before talking to the accused?

You have the opportunity here to do something good and lets face it; the court system in Nova Scotia was just going to rape her all over again with indifference to her suffering and the damage this did to her.

My daughter wasn’t bullied to death, she was disappointed to death. Disappointed in people she thought she could trust, her school, and the police.

She was my daughter, but she was your daughter too.”

 

SOURCE: http://www.torontosun.com/2013/04/11/rehtaeh-parsons-dad-pens-emotional-letter-to-daughter

Justice is good. Prevention is better.

Rehtaeh Parsons

Ughhhh, this is not going to be a funny post, a happy post, a post about philosophy. This is, straight up, going to be a post about rape.

First off, I want to say, I don’t enjoy writing about this stuff. I find it to be really depressing, and awful. But I feel like, until we really start to change our mindsets, I have to make whatever tiny contribution I can, even if this particular blog only reaches like, 5 people, and even if it only makes them go, “Huh. That’s sad.”

So yeah. I feel like lately all I’ve been reading about, talking about, learning about is rape. Rape culture, rape apologists, victim dynamics. Sex trafficking. Gang rape, date rape, statuatory rape, rape in the media, rape in the streets. Slavery, sexual abuse, harassment, assault. Workplace harassment. Rape in Canada and the US. Rape in India, Egypt, Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Somalia, Turkey. Switzerland.

It’s everywhere.

Rape. It’s this four letter word that emblazons it’s victims and survivors alike with a big, red, societal stamp across their forehead. It’s “vague.” It’s simultaneously “volatile.” We don’t know if they asked for it or not. Maybe she was a “slut”? Maybe she was a “hooker”. He “could” have fought him off. She’s probably lying.

The mainstream doesn’t get it, yet. “I thought all rape was violent?” Nope. “I thought it wasn’t rape if she didn’t say no” Nope. “Aren’t most rapes false reports?” Nope.

Stephen Harper, veteran Women’s Rights point-misser and the runner of my fair nation says he is “sickened” by what happened to Rehtaeh Parsons. Well, sure. That is an appropriate response. Who is Rehtaeh Parsons, you may ask?

Well, she was a beautiful, young Nova Scotian teenager, who was taken off life support last Sunday after hanging herself.

But why would she do such a thing?

Well, she did this because of the decline in her mental health. Why was it in decline?

It was in decline because in 2011, she suffered a gang rape at the hands of her peers, circulation of photos of the event, and subsequent torture and bullying for two years afterwards.

And now, today, another news article involving a 15 year old girl in San Jose California comes up. And just like Rehtaeh Parsons, this girl too has just hung herself, not 8 days after a similar sexual assault at a party involving multiple people occurred- and yes- photos were taken and surfaced.

And let’s not forget about the horrific case that started heads turning and politicians, school boards and parents talking about rape culture: Steubenville. The town name will now, likely, be synonymous with the crimes committed by the football team that summer night against a girl too drunk to even stand, and the kids that jeered, took pictures, and offered each other money to urinate on her.

Hopefully Steubenville will also become synonymous with the much needed cultural shift that, at this point, I’m thinking has to happen. If school boards don’t take notice of the importance of teaching about consent, mental health, rape culture and anti-oppression now, I don’t know if they ever will.

What bothers me is that I feel as though Canada’s approach is going to be more along the lines of, “Let’s continue to discourage healthy sexual contact because sex is bad, and by doing so, implicitly continue to promulgate our culture of blaming the victim for what happens to them.”  Stephen Harper has released his statements on how “sickened” he is, etc, but all he and the MP’s and the Mayors and the leaders have been talking about is how they need to increase “bullying” awareness, and start punishing the offenders as adults. This sentiment mixed with Harper’s affinity for decreasing rehabilitation programs and failing to promote any semblance of feminist theory makes me nervous.

Hello?? Our culture is the problem. It’s time to start looking at the causes of the symptoms instead of telling kids that sex is bad and will lead to violence and the destruction of reputations, and ultimately, lives. We need to teach about the right to refuse sex, we need to teach others how to interpret signals of refusal and discomfort, we need to teach about the value of looking after your peers.

But it’s important to start reading between the lines, here. We need to start actively questioning our culture, and we need to start introducing critical thought regarding gender and sexuality in our schools! Our kids have a right to know how to protect each other, themselves. How to respect boundaries. They need to be as familiar with this stuff as much as we emphasize shit like how sharing is caring. Silence can’t be taken as a “yes” any longer.

Really, it’s about time.

If you’re a N00B to this stuff, and you don’t know much about this stuff, I will be doing a few of articles this week specifically focussing on the following topics:

• Sex Crimes 101
• Victim Blaming 101
• Rape Culture 101

Because I know that I surely can’t be the only person asking…

What the fuck?

“FEMINISTS AREN’T FUN”: A COMMENTARY ON THAT.

I want to live in a grey world where nobody laughs or smiles and we all live in an Orwellian dystopia

I wanna talk about fun.

And I don’t mean the band, fun. I’m talkin’ about this BIG CONCEPT of fun. What the fuck is fun? I know I’ve had it! I know when it’s happening!   WOO FUN *waves around a party favour like she just don’t care.*

Now, there are lots of people out there that think that feminists are anti fun. Busted, it’s true, we AAAALLL HATE fun.  ALL OF THE FUN IS BAD. We take things TOO SERIOUSLY and we HATE FUN. I guess they get this impression ’cause we tend to get all riled up about hilarious stuff like heterosexism and rape culture. Ha! Ha!

Back a month ago ish, when I had that whole “Critically thinking about commercials is prolly super important, guyz… ” fiasco, when I had all those peeps tell me that I should shut up, or TITS/GTFO, a number of the personal inboxes I received mostly stated that I was taking things too seriously, and about how I didn’t know how to have fun. And that really rubbed me the wrong way. I mean, yeah, the other comments did too, what with the various talk of thinking I’d be “real good with a [maaanly bit]” (thanks?) and that I just look like I need a “good roll in the sack.”

Riiight. I mean, obviously, I’ve just been so un fun. Some wild sex with a misogynist would definitely help that out.

I will admit that yeah, once one starts critically examining things like the media, it becomes hard to shallowly enjoy things again. It’s like…the Matrix, once you’ve seen it, you’re like, “oh shit, this is how things actually are.”  So yeah, I can’t just pick up a Cosmo and be like, “Huh! Neat.” I can’t just walk past weirdly sexual underwear for 10 year olds and not think something about it. I can’t watch a commercial and wonder why it was advertised to me in that specific, particular fashion. I wonder what image, what ideal the corporates are wanting to sell to the masses. I want to know what we’re all supposed to be thinking, desiring. I have a hard time enjoying watching Jersey Shore and not feeling uncomfortable by Ronnie’s and Sammi’s (very abusive) relationship (to be fair, I also have a hard time enjoying it ’cause it’s awful.)

I can’t really enjoy music videos sometimes. Some Disney movies are just straight up ruined. And horror movies? Oh my gosh! I love them but the TROPES! My god, the tropes!!

So, sure. I can’t just enjoy stuff like that in the way that I used to after understanding more about feminist theory and critical thinking. But you know what? I don’t mind it! I can still enjoy it! But I feel like I can see it for what it is, which is a mix between marginalizing and dichotomous views on yadda yadda, okay we get it ur a feminist superlady shaddap.

And I can have fun! Look at the things I do that are fun:

• Bike!
• Climb stuff occasionally
• Wear moustaches or shark hats with my friends
• Make cat puns
• I HAVE A BRIGHTLY COLOURED WARDROBE
• AND I DO ENJOY OCCASIONALLY GOING DANCING.

But I guess none of that counts for anything, because I’m a feminist, and I am therefore a shitty killjoy. And if that’s how they wanna play it, that’s fine.

Because you know what my idea of fun is?

My idea of fun is walking home at night, enjoying the stars, lovin’ that badass moon. Not trying to get from A to B the quickest.

To go out to a bar and not have to worry that your friends aren’t being “careful with their drinks.”

To dance with my friends if I want to dance with my friends, and not have gross sweaty large bodies grab at mine like some bizarre mating ritual.

To have space actually be respected.

To enjoy Orientation/Frosh week at campuses without the rape jokes, rape chants (“NO MEANS YES!” at Yale: look it up)

To dress like Britney Spears from ‘Toxic’ for Halloween, or like a goddamn ghost, bed sheet with holes cut in it style, and not have people make assumptions about your “sluttiness” or “prude-ishness.”

To turn on the news and not have to hear about a brutal gang rape of a 16 year by a football team… and furthermore, it’s “covering up” by city officials.

My idea of fun is being able to flip through a magazine and maybe, for fuckin’ once, see a curvy, awesome, sexy, black woman in the advertisements.

To have my LGBTQ friends be able to kiss or hold hands in public and not be treated like fucking lepers.

To be able to have a good time downtown, and not have your friends get racially profiled by the cops.

To not have my girlfriends lament and feel frustrated because they aren’t “hot” or “sexy” because they don’t fit the body type  and colour of 5″7, 120 lbs, 32 C, hips: 26, light skinned.

To go to a party with my girlfriends and if one of them gets too drunk, have the only real worry be like, worse case Ontario: they puke on a cop or their dad or something.

My idea of fun involves a night where I could walk around with my lady friends in the summer, scantily clad to the moon and back if we wanted to be, and not get  yelled at or harassed or hurt. Or blamed.

To not be exploited.

To not be hurt.

To not fear.

And you know what, people? I’m thinkin’, we aren’t the lame ones. We’re trying to have a good time. WE ARE TRYING TO #YOLO. But you know what keeps getting in the way of that good time? Legitimately not fun stuff. Like… uh, assault. And harassment. And racism. And rape.

And so, I am forced to conclude that YOU, mainstream weenies, YOU are the unfun ones.

So how about YOU stop being such a killjoy, and help us kick racism, sexism and rape culture in the ass?

that’d be gr8, thx. k. bye.

PHILOSOPHY TIME: Desire without context: capitalism

Our bodies as desiring machines

Anti-Oedipus: Capitalism and Schizophrenia by Deleuze and Guttari is, it is safe to say, the most challenging book I’ve ever read in my life (so far. I’m not finished it yet.) It’s also the most important one I’ve read so far. Learning about society’s desire to be repressed, our inner fascism, capitalism, and sexual politics- all thrown against a vicious assault on Freudian psychoanalysis- is definitely eye opening.

What I want to talk about right now is the concept of capitalism being the machine that decodes us. 

When Deleuze and Guttari say decode, what they are really saying is “to take [something] out of context.” So, capitalism is a machine that takes us out of context. How?

Let’s first think about the notion of the Earth being our primary source through which desires are enacted and to which everything must return. We want a cabin, so we cut some trees down and make one. We want to eat, so we eat some fruit off a bush, or a cow that we kill, what have you.

There’s  a context for those desires. The desires to eat, to consume, they are directly accessible to the earth. For instance: I can eat THIS APPLE that I picked MYSELF.

Now. D&G say:

Money takes desire out of context. Money is the raw flow of desire; it’s desire in waiting. How do you mean?

Well, simply put, I mean that you can’t eat money. But you can use it to buy something. Or, money can provide you with the labourers that build a house, product, etc, but it is often treated as the product itself.  Money merely represents the POTENTIAL for something to exist to you. Money has no context all by itself.

So our society has now replaced EARTH with MONEY as our main “socius,” or, necessary ally, which means that our society is operating with a raw flow of desire for potentiality without any code (context.)

AND THEN: you realize that capitalism, this raw flow of desire, has started to give relations to itself. Think about the stock market, or the concept of debt. It’s out of context desire giving context… to itself.

It makes no sense. That’s why it’s schizophrenic. It’s split.

Maybe I’ll write more when I’m done the book, but what this idea has got me thinking about is the notion that maybe this is what makes us code ourselves, give ourselves context, repress ourselves by limiting and labelling our bodies and our personalities.

xo.

 

HAPPY WOMEN’S DAY!

In honour of today, which is International Women’s Day, and in solidarity towards the women in EGYPT, LIBYA, INDIA, and the many other places that are currently undergoing some of the most impressive, necessary and intense feminist revolutions in history, I’m just going to post some awesome photos. Enjoy!

“February 28, 1938 – Members of the Chinese Ladies’ Garment Workers’ Union in San Francisco’s Chinatown begin a successful 15-week strike for better wages and conditions at the National Dollar Stores factory and three retail outlets. […] With the strike the workers won a 5% raise; a 40-hour workweek; enforcement of health, fire, and sanitary conditions; and a guarantee that the company would provide work for at least 11 months of the year.”

This translates to “Without women, there is no revolution”

xoxoxoxoxoxooxox

Desire and The Death Instinct

Wooo, typing. I’m not gonna lie, that was a way longer hiatus than planned. I was all, “K! I want to come back to the internets, now plz” but my midterms were all “NOOO WAY, MISSY.”

I HAD been planning on some kind of cutting, sharp response to the shitty comments, wherein I would OVERWHELM them with my WIT and my CHARM and my NICENESS and they’d feel TERRIBLE because they’d realize how DUMB they were…

But alas. It’s not even worth the effort. So I will leave it with this: irony is pretty rich in this situation. “Sexism doesn’t exist anymore, ps you’re a dumb broad/ugly/but I do want to fuck you/tits or gtfo” is, in itself, a fairly contradictory statement, but it’s come to my attention that a lot of feminist type blogger ladies have this issue. So whateva. H8RS gonna H8.

Now, if you’re feeling like reading on, then… cool. Awesome, in fact. I’ll be talking about something called the Death Instinct (oooh!) and desire and maybe sexy emails and stuff.

“Lilith” by John Collier. This picture is more relevant than it might appear. We have Lilith entwined, almost sensuously, with a snake. Although she represented something else in biblical stories, she can also be seen as representing passion, female sexuality, and sometimes, the id.

In my favourite philosophy class, we are discussing phenomenology (for those that don’t know what it is, don’t worry. I’m not going to ‘splain it. Just don’t worry. No brief little blog blurb is gonna make sense of it for you. I barely have a grasp on all the major concepts myself, at the moment) and we are branching off now into a more… sexual-ish branch of it, which is exciting.

So we’re reading Anti-Oedipus: Schizophrenia and Capitalism  by Deleuze and Guttari, and it is extremely interesting. We are talking about the concepts of fascism not just as a concept that exists within a government or a society, but within ourselves, within our minds…yadda yadda, etc. I’ll write more about the book some other day. But right now, I just wanna talk about a concept from it.

In this one particular section, early on in the book, they’re talking about The Death Instinct. I’mma break dis down for you:

Freud is known for making a lot of advancements in psychology and analysis and blah blah blah, as well as being a guy who pretty much just saw dicks everywhere. One of his perhaps most well known  developments is the practice and theory of psychoanalysis. Maybe you know this, maybe not, but I’ll briefly sum it up.

Freud says that in our heads, we had three… things, telling us what to do:

• We have our IDS (pronounced like the word “it” but with a ‘d’ instead of a ‘t’. Shut up if it’s obvious. I first called it “ide.”)
• We have our EGO
• And our SUPEREGO

Our Id is the pleasure centre, basically. The unconscious, dark recesses of our minds that crave food and sex and whatnot. Pure impulse, constantly seeking gratification. Deleuze and Guttari describe this as the “and this…and this… and this…” part of the mind- like when you watch a dog play with something and get distracted by something else, and then something else. Dogs don’t play with something and think “oh, I’ll come back to this later.” Rather, their world is wholly enveloped by a new thing, all the time.

Our egos and our superegos can be broken down and explained as consciousness (eg0) and our conscience (superego.) While these are all very interesting, what I will be specifically talking about is the id, the concept of pure pleasure seeking.

So while Freud was trying to convince everyone that really they all just wanted to sleep with their parents, he got older. And as he got older, he began to revise- and perfect- his theory about the id. He came up with something called the Death Instinct, which is basically a deep desire to withdraw entirely from a situation, even if it’s pleasurable, or will result in something pleasurable.

The best way to imagine this is, try to remember a time that you’ve won something. Those moments before you won the award, after getting the award, you wouldn’t think of them as being so bad. But those moments of anticipation, that tension in waiting for the pleasure to come- it’s almost so painful that you’d rather not experience it at all. You’d rather “die” away from the situation. If you’ve never won anything, then that’s sad (kidding…) but I’ll use a different analogy.

Say your goofy and well meaning but sort of stupid friend prompted you to write and send the following emails to someone you were insanely attracted to and felt pretty sure the feeling was mutual:

“Hey there, 

I was just thinking about you, I was wondering if you’d want to get dinner with me sometime?”

OR, it’s naughtier cousin,

“Hey, you’re pretty cute, would you want to maybe hook up? We could do my place, watch a movie… or you know, not watch one…” 

Those moments in waiting for the response, which would either be a “yes” (pleasure) or a “no” (rejection) create a tension that is so overwhelming, so nerve wracking, that over time, you just wouldn’t want to feel it at all. That anticipatory breath before release is part of the Death Instinct, just apply it in an even larger scheme- for instance, after getting your heart literally broken over, and over, and over, and over, you maybe wouldn’t even want to try anymore, because even though the payoff of pleasure would be great, the anticipation and rejection process is so brutal that it’s not worth it to you anymore.

What this causes is an interesting fight within us. There are always equally powerful motives behind a pleasure possibility. The Death Instinct is our id splitting us in a very basic way. It’s the “and this… and this… and this” but sort of at the same time, which creates a SCHIZOPHRENIC (and I mean this in the literal “split mind” sense of the word) problem. The pleasure, and the desire to simultaneously be released from wanting the pleasure, from needing the pleasure. Our ids power us and reward us, but also torture us.

Anyway I just thought that was sorta NEAT.

xxxo.

Bye!

Why I am taking a brief break.

I’m giving up the internet for a bit, here is an explanation.

First off, thank you to those that liked my posts and followed me and have sent me positive feedback, you’re wonderful.
So, as most of you may know, one my my philosophy profs last semester encouraged us to start blogging. I’ve really enjoyed it so far, and the traffic I’ve gotten has been really surprising. I’ve shared my opinions about gun control, religious small towns, and gender, to name a few. I THOUGHT, that maybe, I could change people’s mids about sexism, by being all casual, and jokey, and accessible.

However, the latest post I made, although it received a lot of positive feedback, also received some pretty… upsetting “feedback.” And I say “feedback” because what it really is is sexist comments.

If you read my latest one, it was me sort of expositing over the importance of critically examining seemingly “okay” commercials that sort of slip under our radars. With racism and sexism, it’s easy (and good) to point at the blatantly BAD, but it’s important to remember there is a whole sea of implicit stuff that we don’t notice because we don’t know how to be critical as viewers.

Anyway, the comments and the inboxes I have gotten over this post have been, well, pretty upsetting. I wasn’t going to “approve” them, but I wanted to show this to you guys. The anger that even a little bit of feminist questioning brought on was fairly surprising.

Anyway I’m not looking for any kind of pity party or whatever. I’m freaked out, and feeling frustrated, and like I don’t want to take a big part in the internet for a little while. You can say, “whatever, it’s the internet, that’s what happens” but I don’t know, I think that’s BS. ‘Cause sure, yeah, it “happens,” but it’s uncool and hurtful and frankly, scary. The people that commented DON’T LIKE WOMEN. They are misogynists. I didn’t sign up for this crap when I started the blog. But guess what? That’s what some forms of sexism are.
I’m not stopping the blog, but I’m taking a break.It’s great, but it’s too seedy and shitty sometimes, and this feminist needs to take some time to reconsider some stuff, and maybe get a “thicker skin” or something, because right now, all I want to do is delete all my posts, because I just don’t want to read this kind of shit.

I’ll be back! Just have got to clear my head and be a bit more positive. Right now, it’s hard to not listen to the h8rs ’cause it’s pretty pervasive and in my face. It feels really personal too, ’cause it’s my blog, and I spend a lot of time on each post.

I will be deleting these comments soon. I don’t want them on my WordPress. I just wanted to share them first.

xo, thanks for reading, I look forward to posting again soon.

The sexy, shy Audi driver, and critical thinking.

Hop in my love mobile, baby. I’m a defensive driver with intense, piercing eyes.

Update1: Y’gotta read what I say! I’m tired of the creepy/weird/stupid inbox messages. If you aren’t interested in reading my take, don’t watch the video and make a bunch of inferences.

Update/Edit2: If you came to see some of the comments, I deleted them, as they are stupid and upsetting. I screenshotted them first, because I wanted to share them, and eventually make a post about their irony… There were 9 in total, plus 8 inbox messages. I’ve left two of them up, the two that didn’t upset me as much. My newest post “Why I’m Taking a Break” has more details. Thanks

This is going to be a fun post for me to write. So, I hope you’ve got yo seatbelts on, ’cause it’s about to get HEAVY. Plus, the use of the word “seatbelts” is #ACCURATE ’cause I’m totally gonna be talking about a car commercial that I saw the other night.

So, Audi has this commercial that aired following the Super Bowl floating around. I don’t know if you, lovely reader, have seen it. If not, then here it is.

So here, we see a very brief journey of a lone wolf  driving a nice car, going to the dance stag, and who is overcome with sudden courage. So, he walks up to a girl, grabs her , spins her around and kisses her. Swoooooon. He then gets punched out by her boyfriend and drives away into the night, howling at the proverbial moon like the rebel cur he is! Huzzah, young romanticism!!

Okay.  He’s free, he’s proven himself, he’s brave, whatever, awesome. Way to go, shy wallflower guy.

Now, does it surprise you when I say, there is some underground controversy about this commercial that is “just a commercial?” Maybe it does! And that’s fine if it does, because you’re right, it is just a commercial. Just like how movies are “just movies”, and jokes are “just jokes”. S’cool.

BUT NOW, I want to ask just a couple questions to you guys. This isn’t really an opinion piece. I mean, I have an opinion, but me sharing that opinion with you is not my goal at the moment. I’m not going to be making any definitive thesis here, nor am I going to get into a lengthy discussion about media representation.

I’m just asking some questions that are important to ask ourselves when we see stuff like this. I chose this commercial specifically because it seems like it’s no big deal, and it’s not really in your face. ‘Cause no matter how ‘small’ the stuff we see is, it still is stuff… and given how much stuff we see all the time, it’s important to start being an active viewer!

They are critical thinking questions, so get your adorable critical thinking hat on! Ready? Here they are…

• How would you feel about the boy’s actions towards the girl at the dance IF he hadn’t been a white, thin, small ish, attractive cutie pie? What if he was a different race? Different size? Both? Imagine if he had been a 6’7, 230 pound African American. Would you feel the same about the commercial?

• Now let’s pretend it wasn’t a nice car commercial. How would you feel about his actions had he been driving a piece of trash, like a broken down pick up truck? Or a creepy van or something?

• What about, let’s pretend that the girl had just finished telling her best friend about how she is weirdly anxious about being touched sexually, for reasons that are hers alone?

• What if she had maybe just finished telling her friend, “Wow, I really hope that creepy guy that stands near my locker doesn’t creep on me toni–” and then couldn’t finish her sentence because said creepy guy SMASHED HIS MOUTH ON HERS?

• How would you feel about this commercial if it sloooooooooooooowwly zoomed out, to show that she had a whole line of guys waiting to get a kiss from this beauteous, and desirable girl?

• And how do you think you would feel, if everybody just enacted their sexual desires on you, REGARDLESS of your own personal preference or desire towards them? What if every mouth breathing, bad breathed, slobberer that wanted to kiss you just… went ahead and did it? Do you feel like they are justified, because they are an “underdog”?

• Finally, that if the guy hadn’t been a cute, shy guy? What if he had been an obnoxious jerk?

What I’m getting at is, although sure, this commercial is “just” a commercial, and yeah, it was “just” a kiss, and she “seemed” to enjoy it, this sort of crap is really important to think critically about. That’s all I’m saying. Think about it.

“It’s not assault ’cause she ‘liked’ it!” “It’s just a stupid commercial!” “It’s harmless.”

“Whoaaaa, rape culture?? What the heck is that?? What are these stupid comments on this commercial? That sounds a bit extreme, don’t cha think?”

Yeah, I suppose it does sound extreme, but only if you have never heard of it before. I don’t want to go off and explain what rape culture is right now, although I certainly will be making a post about it at some point.  All I want to do is just ask these questions to you, and maybe get you thinking about how sometimes commercials like this aren’t super great, or cute, or cool.  They are just one little tiny part of the iceberg of a problem, and we shouldn’t just be brain dead when watching. We should actively ask questions like that.

I’m not saying “HEY AUDI YOUR COMMERCIAL IS STUPID AND REALLY REALLY BAD.” (Although I personally do think it’s stupid and not great. That’s not the opinion I’m trying to give you, though.) What I’m saying is, ask yourself any one of those questions when you watch it next, and then bam, you’re thinking critically about media. Audi isn’t the problem. Yogurt commercials aren’t the problem. Magazines, rape scenes, certain reality TV, girls toys, boys toys… those aren’t the problem.
But at the same time, they ALL are the problem. They make up a tiny little puzzle piece of the problem. So don’t lay down and be passive to the commercials. Think about them! You’ve got that brain! It’s awesome! Ask questions.

And when you start to look critically at things like this Audi commercial, then you can maybe start to see, just a liiiiiiittle bit of what the big issue is.

Listen up, CIS-tem: How To Be A Better Ally 101

Oh boy, the pun I just made… wow, not gonna lie, proud of that one.

Dat. Pun.

So! My Gender 101 post went over… pretty well! Better than I had expected! I actually got a few inboxes asking me to write my trans* article sooner, and so… I’m going to do that right now.

First off, I want to say: If you are reading this and wondering, “Why is this stuff important?” then all I can say is, either read the last post or read through this one. This isn’t about just “people’s FEEEEEELINGS.” Yeah, a huge part of it is. But it’s condescending, devaluing and patronizing to assume that your norm is everybody else’s norm. It isn’t sappy, “weird” stuff. It’s somebody’s identity.

Like I said in my last post, because I am not trans, in that I was assigned female at birth, use female pronouns, identify as female and express myself as female, I am only going to be talking about how to be a more effective, understanding, patient and awesome ally.

First off, let’s dust off some books and do a real brief recap/introduction.

Trans*

• An umbrella term to refer to those who either don’t align themselves with their assigned birth sex, either totally or partially. This is also the definition for Transgender.
• The asterisk beside the word is to include others in the gender identity spectrum (two-spirited, genderqueer, agender, etc.) Basically, it is put there to include those that do not identify as cisgendered (if you don’t know what that is, I will explain it later on)
• Also includes those that may identify with their birth sex, but who feel strongly gender variant, and who perhaps express their gender more androgynously or differently

Transsexual

• This term can refer to those who are undergoing medical processes to be closer to the gender they identify as. This can include hormone blockers or hormone supplements (like estrogen or testosterone)
• I am not going to get into the political tension that exists there, but I will briefly say that it has to do with health insurance, and not everybody being able to afford these treatments, and to get these treatments, you have to be diagnosed as having a “disorder.”
• It is currently in the 4th edition of the DSM and the 10th edition of the ICD as a “disorder.” “Gender identity disorder,” to be more specific. Apparently something about this is changing for the 5th edition of the DSM, because there are many transsexual people who feel upset that their choices are being viewed as a “disease.” Understandably…

Transitioning

• This term refers to the process of changing your living situation, expression, or physicality, so that it suits your gender identity more accurately. 

Okay! So, now that we’ve recapped, on we go.

Why are allies important?

To answer that question, let’s just briefly talk about privilege. As in… we have it. Everybody has different privileges and different amounts of power. That power is also very contextual, but I will be talking about power dynamics more in depth next week. For now, the important thing to recognize is that you have some kind of power, because you have some kind of privilege. For instance, I am a white, non-trans female. Right there, I can recognize that my privilege is greater than, say, a First Nations trans male. Why does this privilege and power dynamic exist? Well, that is because our society is highly…

Heteronormative.

Heteronormative is, to put it simply (and to go back the Genderbread person from my previous post) basically the viewpoint that our expressions, identities and orientations MUST all align with our biological sex, and that to have that alignment is somehow more valuable, or better than other identities. Heteronormativity is part of the CIStem that I’m punning away about in my title (get it? ‘Cause to be Cisgendered is to align your identity and expression with your assigned sex. Har har. Okay, I’ll stop throwing the pun in your face.) But this system is so deeply engrained in our society that sometimes it is super hard to see. But do you see how it’s not a good way to be? By treating this strict alignment of characteristics and orientations and assigned sex as the “norm’, we are instantly taking power away from others that do not fit into this, in that they automatically fall “outside the norm.” Even that term is harsh! Outside the norm. It’s like, c’mon man, do we really, truly, definitively know what the norm is anymore? 

What I’m saying is, is that to being your journey as being an ally, you need to first off: think critically about your status as whoever you are in a heteronormative society, as well as thinking critically about what actions end up supporting that heteronormativity. 

Then, you gotta go back to my first point, and think about your privilege.

So, to answer my first point, Why are allies important?

Allies are important because you actually have a lot of power to help make change, and influence society. I’ve only recently started to really begin my journey on understanding the history of trans* identities, and I’m learning and always understanding more of the picture. Being an ally is more than just understanding stuff, though. Which brings me to this section of being a better ally! These are tips that I have just picked up from workshops and from some trans pals.

How to be a better ally to the trans* community!

• Respect Pronouns/Use more gender inclusive pronouns. If you’re thinking, HOW THE HECK CAN I USE SENTENCES WITHOUT HE/SHE? To that I say, um… whatever happened to the word “they”? Did you just forget about that word? And besides that, if someone is identifying as a man, and wants “he/him/his” pronouns, respect that person, and use them. And use them all the time when you talk about that person, and not just when you’re around them. 
  
• If you aren’t sure about names or preferred pronouns, politely ask!
• In general, if you mess up, apologize and move on. We’re all gonna mess up sometimes. Like I said, we’re in a heteronormative world. That being said, you are now starting to recognize that, aren’t you? YES YOU ARE! So, if you mess up with pronouns, just acknowledge it, correct your mistake, and move on, Don’t make it a long winded huge apology, and don’t just ignore it, and don’t make someone feel like they have to keep “validating” themselves.
• Don’t give “compliments” like “you never would have known” or “they look like a ‘real’ gender!”
• Don’t “out” a trans person! Trans people have to frequently experience a “coming out” process, sometimes over, and over, and over again. Don’t make this process happen for them. Not to mention, we still do not live in an overly accepting society, and maybe, a trans person might not feel as safe or comfortable if you just go and “out” them on them.
• Ask them when are where it’s safe to use their preferred names or pronouns. Maybe not everybody knows their current gender identity. Some pronouns you might find confusing (like maybe xey, xe, xir, etc) but make a real effort to accommodate them. It’s really not hard.
• Don’t ask trans* people about their genitals, or how they have sex. It’s not cool when people do it randomly to you, so why do it to someone else?
• Don’t assume that all trans* people want to transition, or are undergoing surgery or hormone therapy. Like I said in my last post, gender identity and expression is complex, and we shouldn’t be making a bunch of assumptions.
• Try to avoid words like “real gender.” This implies that trans* people aren’t real, and that’s… well, false and transphobic and stupid.
• Do not use words like “tranny” or “he/she.” Politely correct those that do use those words. Even if you have a trans* friend that does joke around with those words, don’t assume that everyone else that is trans* will be on the same page. Not to mention, as an ally, you’re trying to help dismantle heteronormativity. So, it’s best, overall, not to contribute to it!
• Know that you might not always be able to help them. They are going through something that you aren’t. If you don’t know what advice to offer other than just being patient and nice, then… be honest.
• Correct others when they mess up a trans* person’s name or pronoun if that individual is not present. This goes back to the first one, but respect names and pronouns all the time, and don’t let it slide when others mess up.
• If you see something, say something. Hate crimes are not okay, and they are pretty common. Don’t be another bystander.

So! There it is, an introduction into becoming a better trans* ally. I hope that this was helpful! I didn’t go too in depth to different pronouns, but I just wanted it to be as accessible as an intro as possible. I want people that haven’t really thought about trans* issues to start to think about it more, and I really hope that you will be able to research some trans* issues for yourself, if you feel so inclined, and broaden your own understanding!!

Okay. AWESOME.

SEE YA!!!

xxo.

Gender 101: Our many spectrums!

 

HI!
HI!

!HI!

Hey. Wheeew. So. it has been about 8 days since I’ve posted, and I’ve been thinking about what I want to talk about. I recently went to a gender studies workshop, and have in the past few days been thinking a lot about how the general population doesn’t really understand GENDER! So, here it is, a (super sexy, fun, easy to read) introduction to GENDER, and our roles and possibilities as engendered beings.

First off, I suppose we should start with…

What IS gender, Mary?

First off, the most important thing to grasp is that gender and sex are not the same thing. Gender refers to the many characteristics, social attributes, socially constructed roles, behaviours and activities that a group (or society) gives to an individual, based on their biological sex. Words like “feminine” and “masculine” are gender words. Whereas words like “male” and “female” (or, intersex, but I’ll get to that later) refer to the, well… literal downstairs situation you’ve got goin’ on. Whatever it may be. There are sex characteristics  and then there are gender characteristics.  Here are a few (very basic) examples of sex characteristics:

• Females menstruate and have a uterus
• Males have testes
• Females have breasts that can lactate

These aspects (although there certainly are exceptions) have to do with the physical genitalia. Now, here are some gender characteristics, that have to do with SOCIETY:

• Women have traditionally held domestic roles in the household worldwide (cooking, cleaning, taking care of the children.)
• Men have traditionally been the ones holding positions of power, and holding jobs
• Women are generally expected to engage in more “feminine” things. (Dolls, pink, romance movies… just, whatever sort of comes to your head when you first hear the word “feminine.” ‘Cause that will be the most… organic example. For instance, I think of lilacs.)
• Men likewise are expected to engage in more “masculine” things.  (Cars, sex, blue. Again, whatever it is that comes to mind when you think of “masculine” as a stand alone concept. What it is to be masculine. For me, I hear masculine, and I think of  Arnold Schwarzenegger.!

So, there are some gender characteristics. Now. Society wants us to fit into these gender roles, all neat and tidy like.

If you were born male, then you should engage in male gendered activities. If you were born female, you should engage in, likewise, female gendered activities. But this is where it gets really cool:

It doesn’t actually work that way. 

Nay, sir. It does not. In fact, it sort of looks more like THIS:

Let me introduce you to… the GENDERBREAD PERSON!

I love this little cookie diagram. It perfectly and simply explains the different spectrums of gender. Let’s start with the first one, gender identity!

Gender Identity

So this is, like what it says on the sheet, how you see yourself and think about yourself, and the chromosomes and hormones that develop those thoughts. It’s how you identify (or don’t identify) in your head, with the sex you were born as. We don’t (in general) neatly fit 100% into either the MALE box or the FEMALE box, we have aspects of a bit of everything.  Some people have less aspects, some have more. Y’know, it’s easy. Just imagine, instead of a MALE box and then a FEMALE box, imagine a ton of boxes in between those, connecting the two together. This spectrum of gender identity allows us to see the fluidity of gender, and it helps to show that seeing male and female as the only two “norms” for anyone is, well, pretty shitty. When you find that you are thinking about yourself more and more as not fitting into the gender box that your biological sex dictated you “should” be fitting into, then you start moving away from “woman” or “man” on the Genderbread Person “gender identity” continuum, and sometimes you go right to the middle, and you feel “gender queer,” or sometimes, maybe you experience a gender identity crisis, and you aren’t really feeling good in the box everyone says you are in, and you go all the way to the other end.  Maybe you wanna be in that box.  The point is, you can inch along the spectrum however you please, back and forth, further or closer to your beginning point. After all, it’s your own brain. It’s up to you to interpret your thoughts, and who you are.

Gender expression

This is how you choose to express your gender (and, to quote the Genderbread person, typically based on traditional gender roles.)  You can express your gender in how you interact with others, how you dress, talk, the activities you enjoy, and the different ways you behave.

Biological sex

I already talked about this before, but I am going to talk about it again so I can include intersex individuals. As previously mentioned, your biological sex refers to… well, your biological sex. Female = XX chromosomes. Male = XY. BUT! Guess what, that’s a spectrum too, because there are approximately 47 known variants between completely male or completely female, and that is where we get the term intersex. Some males are born, for instance, with ovaries inside of them, and they never know (because they can’t see them) until puberty… when they start experiencing typical female aspects of puberty, such as, say, breast growth.

In general, I am very careful when I talk about intersex individuals, because I’m no authority on the subject, and I have noticed, and learned about how in general they get “medicalized” or made a part of some kind of agenda. So, I will leave it with, it’s a spectrum just like the others. Respect it, yo.

And FINALLY:

Sexual Orientation

The last spectrum of our Genderbread person. Yes, you can be gay, or straight, or bisexual, or even asexual (not sexually attracted to anybody, for the most part.)  But you can be different degrees of all of these things!

Important:

Having a different gender identity does not necessarily dictate your sexual preference!! For instance, you could have a biologically born female (XX), but who’s gender identity is male, and who’s gender expression is also masculine in many ways, but who is, also, attracted to males. Trans individuals are not necessarily gay or straight, and so we should not automatically make a bunch of assumptions. Also, just because your gender identity is one way, doesn’t mean you automatically can’t have little things from the other parts of the spectrum! For instance, perhaps this trans fella still also really likes glittery things, and pink.

So, what does this all mean?

• It means that gender is a lot more complex then maybe you initially realized!
• It means validating and respecting others for the ways they live and feel most happy!
• It means respecting identity, expression and orientation in the same way we place emphasis on biological sex.
• It means that now, you should think about terms like “heteronormative” or “transphobia,” and look into them, and maybe take a good long think about that stuff.

So! There has been an introduction to gender. I hope you feel a bit more informed!

Next time, I’ll talk about what I know about trans issues (I say “what I know” because I can not speak on behalf of trans individual- because I identify as a female, express myself as a female, was born a female, and use female pronouns, etc. I can only speak as an ally that is trying to continue to be informed and inform others!)

I will also talk about different orientations and identities from other cultures, such as being “two spirited.” I also will want to touch on how to NOT be transphobic!

Okay. xo.

Smell ya later, folks!

 

http://www.itspronouncedmetrosexual.com (Genderbread person!)